Yesterday I went and did the San Marcos race. It was my first race in nearly a year but strangely enough I wasn't really nervous. I guess I didn't really have any expectations so I wasn't really worried about anything. The race started off pretty steady and not crazy fast. I was tired for the first 20 minutes but it was still not crazy fast. I feel like I had been on harder group rides in the area. That didn't mean the hill on each lap and the steady pace didn't take its toll. On the last 2 laps I started getting gapped and would catch up on the downhill. Going into the final turn towards the uphill finish I was done. I got gapped by the group and finished alone. I was happy with hanging in there since I've only been riding 2-3 days per week but I always want to do better. Oh well.
I was feeling really down about the work situation today. I just want to settle into something I like and am content doing. Not only what I am doing in the work but where it's located, the people I work with, and the amount of compensation. I'm driving myself nuts thinking about it. Today I have decided to just go and apply at a few restaurants over the next 2 days. At least give it a shot. There are 3 nice restaurants in Cardiff that I am going to target since they look like great places to work and I should be able to meet some cool people working there.
My other thought is to go to school and take some classes in areas that will give me some confidence out in the working world. It has been about 5 years since I have worked consistently and the technology has changed considerably. Even in the accounting or bookkeeping jobs that I come across, I really don't know what the hell I am doing. I could get by and learn as I go but I really have no confidence in interviewing and in doing the job from the get go. I just haven't really done any bookkeeping and I think a few courses would prepare me for the fundamentals and I could at least know how things are supposed to be setup and executed on a company's books.
The confidence will certainly help but I'm not sure taking a few courses will really help in my presentation to employers. It won't be as if I'll have an Accounting degree after a few courses so there I go again in the vicious spiral and circular thinking talking my way out of doing anything. It's nuts. I'm nuts I think. I feel like I just want to crawl into a dark mail room and sort letters or something until I master that and then I can crawl out and take the next step up. I'm feeling under prepared and overwhelmed with choices that I don't feel able to do. Time to just trust and know that things will evolve naturally.
I was thinking today in that train of thought that 6 months ago I had no idea I would now be living in Carlsbad, CA. I was then hoping that my tenant would buy my condo but I didn't yet have plans to move to CA. With that thought I can trust that in 6 months things can change and move in a positive and new direction that I can't even imagine at this time. That is the beauty of faith and trust. Until then....
By the way, I'm no longer editing these posts. If there is an error or grammatical error just know that I am not re-reading and correcting anything. Feels freer and not so perfectionistic.
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